Quis sum?

For the last 36 years I've expended a good deal of time and energy trying to keep the promise I made to grampa and 10 years ago, when I re-established contact with the family in Pontone, I achieved something that he neither envisaged nor hoped for and something that he would have loved if he'd lived to see it. I still cry when I allow myself to brood on the fact that he never lived to see me married; never lived to see his grandson; never lived to meet Maria, Luigi, Matteo, Orazio and a thousand others.

But after all this time, I sit down sometimes (invariably with a bottle of red wine or two) and think about the promise and me.

Despite all that I have achieved and all that I have tried to achieve, it seems to me that, in a perverse and pedantic way, no matter what I do, I shall never be able to keep it. I promised never to forget that I am Italian. Those were the words. It is a pedantic point but, no matter what way I cut it, I am forced to the conclusion that I am not Italian and never will be.

I am Mark Anthony Criscuolo. I speak Italian. My paternal origins lie in Pontone di Scala. I have family there with whom I am extremely close. I love the place and the people. Despite all that I am not Italian. I have never been properly socialized as an Italian. I am an Englishman ... if someone whose paternal line is foreign can ever be an Englishman. Let me put the question more obviously and simplistically. Could I ever be a Chinaman even if my family had lived there for three generations?

I am sometimes left with the impression that I'm kidding myself but you see I can't bring myself to call myself an Englishman. I used to get the crap kicked out of me in school by Englishmen - because my dad's father was Italian. I have to admit that it wasn't helped by the fact that I was brought up a vegetarian but, in practice, that just meant that they had two excuses rather than just one so I got beat up twice as bad - never in the face; never where it could be seen. Why would I want to call myself an Englishman.

On the other hand, dad's maternal line is English as is mum's paternal line. Her maternal line is Jersiaise ... or, in some cases, Guernesiaise. French. But they don't give me my name. My name is Mark Anthony, son of Anthony Thomas, son of Alfred, son of Nicola, son of Pasquale, son of Luigi ... . I'm working on the rest.